My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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