thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
