well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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