I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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