brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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