I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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