Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
