I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
time to smoke my breakfast
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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