Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
