I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize