And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
MIDGETS
????
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
