she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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