Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is my gift to your gina
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
