My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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