He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
