He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize