So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
