I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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