i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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