When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
