sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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