I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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