I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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