I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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