I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
