I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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