"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
