Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize