this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
