remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
