I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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