i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
