dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He shit in the fireplace
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize