Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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