Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize