Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize