my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's shark week go big or go home
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
