My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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