my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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