Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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