Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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