Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
