i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I stole a fireplace last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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