You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
