we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize