i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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