So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
