do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
