how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
