just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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