Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
