so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
