Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
