Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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