Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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