My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
