I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
