It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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