apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
