I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What drink are we having for lunch?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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