my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
