I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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