The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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